Thoughts...

    Being pregnant is a dream come true for me...really.  I have wanted nothing but to be a mom since I was about 5 years old.  When people would ask "what is your biggest fear" I would say snakes (because really its a close second) but my REAL biggest fear was not being able to be pregnant and carry my own babies.  Now, Mason and I were ready to go the distance to have our family even if it included adoption.  And I would have felt blessed and happy to get a child in any way, shape or form. But secretly, I want to carry our child, I want to feel them move, I want to deliver them into this world and I know how incredibly blessed I am that this is the path I am on because there are so many women who want this. 
    Having said that, being pregnant is not fun. From about 6 weeks on I haven't felt like myself.  Between the vomiting, the exhaustion, the back pain, the constipation (TMI sorry but the struggle is real) and the raging hormones I have cried, yelled, and sulked more than I care to admit and I am not even halfway there. I am continuously told by my doctor, friends who have been pregnant and the books I read that "all symptoms are exacerbated with twins"....fabulous.  But the bigger thing I am starting to realize is how much being an oven and then subsequently a parent is going to change things.  Everyone knows children change your lives, thats a no brainer.  You know you are no longer going to be able to just take off on a whim for a weekend getaway, not without careful planning for both the kids and the dogs and which grandparents aren't busy etc. Clearly, you are no longer going to be able to go out Friday and Saturday nights, enjoy yourself to the fullest, ahem, quench your thirst to your hearts content, roll in at 3am and sleep Sunday away. But what you aren't prepared for is that the people around you without children aren't bound by these changes and life marches on.  And for someone as nosy as me and who HATES to miss out on things...this is hard.  
    Saturday night was a concert I have looked forward to FOR MONTHS.  It was two of my favorite bands with my favorite people in beautiful weather as our last concert of the season...the culmination of our concert year that has included all our favorites, our boots, singing in the car, tailgating, and stories and pictures we will remember forever.  And by Saturday afternoon, 2 hours before we were supposed to go I was in tears because I didn't want to go.  I tried on 348743 shirts and nothing fit, I was tired, I was dreading my boots because they make my heels hurt because they aren't quite broken in yet, and the tailgate meal of choice was fajitas (normally one of my FAVES) but see, I can't stand meat right now.  So I had packed my little cooler with my yogurt and spaghettios and cheese stick and was prepared to power through.  And it was then that I realized that this parenting thing changes you forever.  I didn't end up going to the concert; I took a nap and ordered Chinese food (rice and egg rolls) and was in bed by 9pm.  But all night I cried off and on.  My wonderful friends and sweet husband sent me picture after picture and videos galore and I would look at each one and then the tears would start up.  Of course, I also cried at The Big Bang Theory episode where Bernadette and Howard got married too so really I was just a mess.  This is not a change I was prepared for I guess, already feeling differently before they are even born.  Everyone talks to me in terms of weeks, "well how many weeks will you be by then" or "you can't do that because you will be ___ weeks by then". They aren't wrong, it's just so strange to hear, its strange to have limits as an adult, its strange to have to pass on things that you normally live for because you just don't have the energy.  BUT I continue to keep my eye on the prize.  The day will come that I will be sitting on my couch watching everyone go out and have fun via Facebook or Instagram but I will have two, squishy, beautiful, dreams come true in my arms.  The answers to my prayers!  I actually can't wait for that day, I can't wait for the day I get to hold them in my arms and my new job in life becomes protecting them and being their mom. But until then, I will get me some clothes that fit, trade in my boots for flip flops, and keep going and doing as much as my body will let me...as everyone tells me, it won't be forever.